Things Perry Knows
by BatmansBabe
Summary: Perry ruminates on the mess that is Harry and Harmony. A Kiss Kiss Bang Bang fic. Perry hates puppies, but if Harry were a puppy Perry would probably buy him and take care of him and love him and coo over him...


AN: Whooboy

**AN:** Whooboy. I am totally in love with KKBB. HARDCORE. And someday I am going to marry Harry Lockhart.

**Disclaimer:** I'm just gonna name-drop here and tell you that this belongs entirely to Shane Black and the collective artistic genius of RDJ, Val Kilmer, and Michelle Monaghan.

**Summary:** Perry hates puppies, but if Harry were a puppy Perry would probably buy him and take care of him and love him and coo over him like a stupid fag with a puppy does.

**Rating:** PG-13

**Warnings:** To all you people in the Midwest, sorry I said f! so much.

**Things Perry Knows**

Harmony _does not _deserve Harry.She's the typical LA girl, beautiful, smart, completely, totally fucked up. This is something Perry has always been able to count on. More often than not, Harmony will screw it up. That's it. She doesn't deserve an idealist like Harry Lockhart, who looks at her like she's young and amazing and perfect. She just doesn't, and this is a fact easily seen by anyone who has ever met Harry Lockhart.

Harry Lockhart, who thinks they changed the world for a few moments in time, is worth more than Harmony could ever give.

Harry Lockhart wants nothing in the world more than he wants Harmony.

This should not surprise Perry, because straight guys like Harry always have some idealistic version of 'love' and 'destiny' and yeah, he's known her since they were twinkles in their screwed up parents lives, and sure they have saved each others lives and miraculously ended up in the same place at the same time and reconnected, but still. This surprises Perry.

Here's the thing. Perry, as a PI, knows people. He knows which people will call him Gay Perry because they've heard it once in their whole lives, and he knows which people will sneer at the name he actually sometimes doesn't mind, and he knows which people will be uncomfortable about calling him "Gay Perry" (the kind, like Harry Lockhart, who don't like to step on toes), and he knows which people will avoid him like the plague.

He knows people. Here is what he knows about Harry and Harmony.

Harmony: is fucked up. She is nearly too old to be a star, she thinks she's past her prime even though she is one of the better looking girls Perry knows. And Perry knows a lot of pretty girls, because pretty girls seem to dig gay guys. Harmony: is smart, but she hates that about herself. She thinks it's something that hinders her. Harmony: isn't actually a very good actress. In fact she's spectacularly not good at acting. Harmony: is a natural brunette, but thinks that blonde works better for her. It doesn't. Harmony: lost all faith in humanity, in love, in shit like fate or destiny or whatever the fuck it is girls from the Midwest dream about while they read their Johhny Gossamer novels and angst over their pedophile of a shitty (abusive) father.

Harry: is fucking great. He's a little dopey, not always totally there, and sometimes he looks like a kicked puppy. Perry hates puppies, but if Harry were a puppy Perry would probably buy him and take care of him and love him and coo over him like a stupid fag with a puppy does. Harry: could probably be an excellent actor if he had an ounce of self-esteem. He's got that way of shooting at the hip and going with the flow that sells like you wouldn't believe, and he can lie better than Perry can tell the truth. When he isn't thinking about it. When he is thinking about it he totally jacks up everything. Harry: still believes in God. And probably angels, and heaven, and in white picket fences and 2.5 kids and happy marriages. He's a fucking fool, but there it is. Harry: would never amount to a damn thing if it weren't for looking like a kicked puppy begging for a pet. Harry: is Perry's favorite person in the entire world for being such a goddamn foolish romantic.

Harry and Harmony: are a mess. They fight about stupid shit that doesn't matter at all. They have two entirely different ideas about life, and the future, and plans that should be made and what should be done on the fly. Harry and Harmony: make him want to throw crap. Because when they aren't fighting they are fucking fantastic. They get all googly-eyed (single gayest word in his vocabulary) and smiley (second gayest word) and they act like all is well and good in the world, and Perry wants to burst their freaking effervescent bubble but he every time he sees the looks on their optimistically in-love faces he can't. Harry and Harmony: are probably destined for each other. Hell, if Harry ignored his hard-on for Harmony for four whole years while she screwed every other guy in boondocks, Indiana, and then found her again fifteen years later to continuing ignoring it for the span of like two more weeks and a very naked Harmony, Harry is either a saint or they are totally just fucking destined for each other. Actually, it's possible that Harry is a saint, too, but that's not actually the point.

Destiny is a fucking lie, fate does not exist. And in no world will Harmony ever be good enough for Harry fucking Lockhart.

But here's the rub: Harry doesn't want someone who is good enough for him. He just wants destiny, and he wants the stupid goddamn "girl for me" story and the endgame and all that romantic, radio holding, kissing in the rain, walking off into the sunset schtick.

Perry: sometimes thinks Harry's made him a believer.


End file.
